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ST:E, Broken Bow - abates
Brilliant but slightly odd but very nice

Alden Bates
Date: 2005-11-02 21:12
Subject: ST:E, Broken Bow
Security: Public
Enterprise, that is. OMGWTFBBQ

Them's some nice DVD menus. OMG! Actual deleted scenes!

Broken Bow: After a Klingon crashes on Earth and is wounded, Star Fleet launches the first starship to take him home.

And so, sometime in the future, min-Jonathan-Archer grouses about how the Vulcans aren't letting the humans into space. Shortly we will find out why.

some 30 years later, a ship is badly CGIed onto a corn field. And some greebly aliens chases a Klingon around and blows shit up, until the farmer shoots the Klingon.

Hrm, the theme tune's reminds me of the songs in Transformers: The Movie. You got the touch!

And so, the humans have finished their spaceship, and the Vulcans still won't let them zoom aronud the galaxy. Sheesh. Archer and Trip tour the outer hull.

How can it be Star *Fleet* when they've only got one ship?

the humans and Vulcans talk over the injured Klingon. The Klingon is called "Klang". Poor bastage. The Vulcans want to pull the plug, but Archer complains. And makes reference to T'Pol's ass. Archer's going to take Klang home in der Enterprise though.

Manditory ship tour to show off the sets. The crew banter. And so on.

Meanwhile, Archer goes and picks up Hoshi. But has to lure her with Klingon language samples. Language whore!

Trip complains to Archer about T'Pol being assigned aboard. Porthos smells. Archer and Trip act like dicks a bit. Then there's a big speech and stuff and they launch the ship.

One of the greebly aliens from the pre-credits sequence talks to some guy. Yayz!

Archer hangs out with Phlox in the sick bay, and finds out about alien droppings. Phlox says he'll have a go at fixing Klang up and then gives the creepiest smile ever.

Trip and Mayweather hang out in a bit of a ship with 0-G, then Trip goes for dinner with Archer and T'Pol, so they can make fun of the Vulcan some more.

Klang comes around, but they have a little difficulty with the translator, and Hoshi's attempts aren't great. Then the ship loses power. The greeby aliens invadde the ship and, after a fight, kidnap Klang.

T'Pol says the mission is over, but Archer is determined they will find Klang, and lectures her at length.

Phlox says the attacker they killed is a genetically-altered Suliban. Meanwhile, Trip bitches how patronising T'Pol is being. She reveals the Klingon ship last visited Rigel 10 before crashing on eath, so they set a course for there.

The Suliban interrogate Klang, who doesn't tell them squat.

Archer and co take a shuttle down to Rigel 10 and wander around, generally being pains. *stares* they got dancers in body-paint passed the censors? Reed looks interested. But they have business. Hoshi and Archer follow up a lead, but are attacked by Suliban, and, oh, stuck in a cell with Trip and T'Pol. Jeeze, Archer's distrustful of just about everyone.

Some woman snogs Archer and then turns into a Suliban. She says Klang was taking proof back to his race that the Suliban have been trying to engineer a Klingon civil war. They're taking orders from someone in the far future. (wank, wank, wank) then there's a fire fight, and they retreat back towards the shuttle.

After some more shooting, they get back in the shuttle and get the heck outta dodge. Archer, however, is wounded, and T'Pol says she's taking command of the ship.

T'Pol and Trip do soft porn in decontamination and rub gel on each other. While arguing over whether T'Pol should take power or not. Apparently it's illogical to wear a bra, and also cold in there.

Archer comes around to find the ship is tracking a Suliban vessel, and makes a surprised log entry. And talks to his dog. The ship reaches a planet where there's a lot of Suliban ship activity.

Cruising in to the planet atmosphere, they come under attack, and analyse the sensor readings. Then they nip down and use a trac.. I mean a grappling hook to capture one of the Suliban ships. While the Suliban fire undepth charges at them, Archer and Trip use the captured ship to mount a rescue operation. The Enterprise gets dorked on more, and is forced to move.

The rescue mission finds Klang and starts the widthdrawal. Unfortuantely Klang is a bit rowdy and brings the opposition down on them. Trip and Klang get out in the pod, but Archer is stuck on the core ship after activating some magnetic disrupter device. Enterprise picks up the pod.

Archer wanders around in the Suliban ship and finds ze room with the funny temporal delay effect. Meanwhile, Trip and T'Pol argue over whether to rescue Archer. Archer, however, is having a discussion with the lead Suliban. Archer wins. So does Trip, and the Enterprise swoops in to attempt to rescue the Captain. Trip uses the transporter to beam him out, and they retreat swiftly.

Later on Q'onos, there's some funky Klingon stuff and they look at the message hidden in Klang's DNA. That's... odd. Was the message in all of his cells, or did they just get really lucky in finding the one cell that happened to have it in?

Archer says that Star Fleet has approved them to continue on their way exploring and stuff. And suggests that T'Pol might like to stay on board as Science Officer. Mayweather says there's an ion storm in their path, and Archer says to go through. *facepalm*

Teh end.
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User: (Anonymous)
Date: 2005-11-02 14:52 (UTC)
Subject: NSUX
I see you took my advive about the icon...well done. :)
The NX Enterprise is actually quite a good looking
ship, if you forget that A) It's just the Akira
class from 100 years in the future with different
shaped nacelles on upside down; and B) the slight
horizontal-plane assymetry of the design means your
brain is constantly looking for the rear half of
the ship...which isn't there.
The fact that the technology on the vessel is
demonstrably more advanced than that on the TOS
Enterprise doomed the show from the start, in my
view. Doing a prequel series this far back in
the history of a SF show *this* old was always
going to be a suicidal idea. How can you say
that Kirk's ship makes the NX-01 look like an
antique, when the NX has full-colour CG computer
screens and the Kirk Enterprise has analogue
chronometers that run on toothed gears?!

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Alden Bates
User: abates
Date: 2005-11-02 19:43 (UTC)
Subject: Re: NSUX
Tis... strange. I keep thinking how it would have gone if it was a TNG ep with Picard & co taking the place of the Vulcans on a world where they're just venturing out into space...

"If you're absolutely sure you want to go to the Klingon homeworld, then fine. You can take Riker along so he can have many moments of sexual tension with Trip."
"Ummmm, Captain?"

But, yeah, they were nuts to go that far on their first mission.
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User: (Anonymous)
Date: 2005-11-02 14:59 (UTC)
Subject: Klang info
Oh, and I almost forgot. The guy who plays Klang
the Klingon, "Tiny" Lister, was better known in the
80s as Zeus, the gigantic bung-eyed nemesis of Hulk
Hogan in WWF Wrestling. He and Hogan "starred"
together in the motion picture No Holds Barred,
which the WWF TV show 'previewed' every week for a
century with clips so interminable that stringing
all of them together actually produced a movie ten
minutes longer than the theatrical cut. No Holds
Barred was also known as No-One In The Theatre,
and flopped harder than a pancake on Saturn.
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August 2016