Acquisition: Ferengi take over Enterprise.
Why, look, it's Ferengises.
Maybe I should just skip this one. Too late! Nooooooooo!
So this Ferengi ship docks with Enterprise, which seems to be adrift, with all the crew either dead or passed out (passed out, presumibly, as there are another three seasons). The Ferengi remain unimpressed with the size of their crew's ears. You'd think they'd try to, I dunno, hide the fact that one of the Ferengi is being played by a regular from Voyager, but then this *is* a production team who sees nothing wrong with half the aliens in the known galaxy being Jeff Combs.
Trip wakes up in decontamination, and can't raise Phlox, so he jimneys the doors open and finds the crew unconscious. He should probably put some clothes on now. The Ferengi start stealing the silverware as Trip hides. One of them decides to steal T'Pol as well. Great, now they're nicking things that *are* bolted down. Ah, they appear to be collecting females. Grief.
Now they have Archer tied up. Great, Ferengi bondage. They bring him around, and demands to know where the ship's vault is. Then they beat him around a bit, then decide they'll go, cause they can sell the females as slaves. Archer tells them he'll show them where the vault is, to avoid them leaving with the female crewmembers. The Ferengi decide to look for the vault themselves, and set Archer to work loading stuff onto their spaceship.
OMFG, that's Jeff Combs as a Ferengi. I give up, half the galaxy obviously *is* Jeff Combs.
Archer chats to Jeff for a while, but completely fails to ask why he was an Andorrian a couple of episodes ago. He diverts Jeff off to the mess hall, so he can talk to Trip.
Trip goes and finds the hypospray the Ferengi used to revice Archer, and revives T'Pol. Their discussion is interrupted by Archer and Jeff returning. Finally, Trip puts some pants on.
The Ferengi are still not having any luck finding the vault, and start getting into disagreements over splitting the profit. They decide to head for the Captains quarters, but then T'Pol starts an alarm as a diversion so she can pinch some scanners and put them in another Ferengi's pack, to make them fight even more.
Jeff and Archer set about taking bits out of the engine, and discuss whether the others are foing to rip Jeff off. Archer tries to cut a deal, but Jeff doesn't fall for it.
The other Ferengi attempt to interrogate Porthos and make unfortunate sexual references, before one of them takes Porthos back to their ship. Where he spots Trip, and pursues the latter through Enterprise for a while. After a tussle, Trip knocks him out and gets his weapon, but then Ethan knocks him out with a sturdy holowhip.
The Ferengi debate what to do next, and Trip offers to take them to the vault. Whereapon he and Archer fight and the Ferengi have to seperate them. Then the Ferengi fight over who's going to go look at the vault. Ethan wins - Jeff stays. Archer fakes an old sports injury and says Jeff will have to load the ship himself.
While Jeff attempts to load the ship, T'Pol interrupts him and gives him ear-sex. Then neckpinches him and nicks his keys and a gun. Trip leads the other three Ferengi on a wild goose chase, and leads them to T'Pol, who stuns them all.
They make the Ferengi put everything back, then let them go. Well, they leave the three of them tied up, and Jeff in charge of the Ferengi ship. the freakin' end.