Alden Bates (abates) wrote,
Alden Bates
abates

TNG: The Dauphin

The Dauphin: AKA Young Wesley in Love.

You know, they could start the show with a different shot of the Enterprise flying through space once in a while. Geordi msgs the bridge to tell them he wants to do some maintenance while they're not at warp. EXCITING! On the bridge, they discuss the planet they've come to, which is apparently not very pleasant. They beam up a young woman, Salia, and her guardian Anya. Salia makes eyes at Wesley. Riker says Salia is destined to rule some planet or other, the name of which is entirely irrelevant.

Must be a very odd planet which accepts a sixteen-year-old girl as a ruler, but there ya go.

Geordi pages Wesley to see where the feck he's gotten, and the important members of the cast return to the bridge. Ooo, look, there's Troi. I was beginning to wonder if she was still in the show. Picard uses the main viewer to talk to Salia for a bit. Meanwhile a Borg cube sneaks up on them (I wish).

Data says the planet they're heading for has one side permanently facing the sun. Because obviously life would have no trouble at all evolving under those conditions.

Down in engineering, Geordi observes that Wesley appears to be mooning over Salia and relieves him of duty. Wesley asks about social skills and how he should talk to Salia. Geordi tells him to go ask someone else, so obviously the logical first choice is Worf. Seriously, this ship is so lax, Wesley can just wander onto the bridge and randomly ask people how he should talk to girls?!

Picard invites Salia on a tour of the ship (Oath, he's trying to move in on Wesley's territory now?) and there's a bit where the plot reveals that Anya is, in fact, a shapeshifter. Anya says no, she can't go on the tour.

Wesley consults Riker on how to talk to girls, and results in Riker and Guinen flirting in possibly the most florid dialogue ever.

Wesley: I don't think this is my style.
Guinen: Shut up, kid.
Word.

Worf takes Anya on the ship tour, and she bugs Geordi about his work. Meanwhile, Wesley finally gets around to visiting Salia in her quarters. They bond over chocolate mousse, and then he takes her to see the holodeck.

Meanwhile, Worf and Anya visit sick bay. Anya discovers there's a contagious patient there, and demands said patient be destroyed before the disease spreads. Then she turns into a 7-foot alien. Worf senses an oncoming beating, but at least it's better than being in the Wesley-in-love plot. Fortunately Worf isn't beaten too badly before Picard arrives with security and confines her to her quarters.

On the holodeck, Wesley and Salia stand in front of a green-screen and chat about stuff. Alas apparently in the Trek universe, sound travels in space (OK, I know it's holospace, but the holodeck programmers were obviously on crack if they include ambient sound in a space scene).

Anya and Worf trade "pleasantries", before Anya discovers Salia is missing from their quarters. By now, Salia and Wesley are having chocolate in Ten Forward. Wsley suggests she stay on the Enterprise, whereupon she runs out and Guinen has to prompt Wesley to follow her. While the pair are talking some more, Anya and Picard find them and Salia is lead away. Picard gives Wesley A Look. He's in troooouble!

Seriously, that advert with women in bikinis holding car headlights up in front of their chest. Why is it still on TV? If no one has lodged a complaint about it, I'll be very surprised.

Geordi finally finishes his repairs, and they go to warp 8.8. That's an oddly precise figure.

Picard informs Wesley that Anya's a shapeshifter and suggests it might be a good idea if he keep away from Mary SueSalia. Despite his crumbling OTP, Wesley agrees. They arrive at the target planet, thankfully, which signals it won't be a problem for long.

Salia sneaks in to see Wesley, and Anya turns up as the seven-foot creature again. Salia transforms into another giant alien and Anya pretty much gives up there and turns back into human form.

Apparently the Enterprise doesn't have the power to transmit a com signal through the planet's atmosphere, but beaming down will be no problem. What?! Salia visits Wesley, who's suddenly all xenophobic and acting like a dick. But eventually he does go to see her off, and she shows him her true form (oer!) which turns out to be a phallic glowing thing.

Later on, Wesley mopes in Ten Forward over his glass of fizzy water until Guinen comes and makes faces at him. End. END. End, dammit! Thank you.

Gah! Worst episode so far. Scott Rubenstein and Leonard Mlodinow, you should be ashamed!
Tags: next generation
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