Kirk: "Gentlemen, we've just been through one Civil War; let's not start another."
Manhunt: Troi's horny mom comes to visit.
Picard's wearing a dress again. Who's idea was it to make the Starfleet dress uniform a literal dress? They beam up two aliens who stand there breathing heavily. Picard says they're in a self-induced catatonic state, in which they'll remain for the duration of the trip. Someone fetch a fork lift. Why even bother getting dressed up then? Then a shuttle turns up to drop off
So has anyone ever come up with a theory to explain why Starfleet uses Lwaxana Troi's voice on all their computers?
Additionally, has anyone come up with a theory why she's even allowed to set foot on a Starfleet ship, given she disrupts the crap out of everything?
Lwaxana beams aboard and takes approximately thirty seconds before her first attempt at a diplomatic incident. Riker attempts to impress her by carrying her luggage, which turns out to be somewhat heavier than he expected.
Back on the bridge, Riker jokes with the other officers about Lwaxana until Picard turns up with his Serious Face on, and tells them they should show respect for her, seeing as she's a diplomat. I suspect Betazed made her a diplomat purely so they could get rid of her...
Picard arrives at the "Diplomatic function" Lwaxana has set up, only to find he's the only guest. RUN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! Too late! Lwaxana turns up in a slinky number with insanely teased 80s-hair. He manages to invite Data in as a chaperone, and he proceeds to bore the pants off Lwaxana (though fortunately not literally).
Troi admits to Dr Pulaski that Lwaxana is in "The Phase", which means that her sex drive has increased. After some discussion, Troi rescues Picard and tells her mother off for coming on board in her condition, though Lwaxana claims Picard was having dirty thoughts all through dinner. Riiiiiiight.
Riker, Troi and Picard have a further discussion about Lwaxana - Riker seems to be entirely too amused - and Troi thinks that she's aiming to mate with Picard. No kidding. Picard goes to hide in the holodeck. Dude, lock the door. Omega level clearance, seriously. Unfortunately he soon discovers that the Dixon Hill simulation is a bit violent for his tastes today.
Meanwhile, Worf admires the alien delegates. That's quite a cow lick Wesley has there. Lwaxana drops by to chat up Worf.
Worf: "I am NOT a man." Goodness, that's an admission and a half.
Back on the holodeck, Picard takes Dixon Hill's secretary out to a bar. Apparently Picard has smoked before! He puffs away like a pro.
Lwaxana drifts onto the bridge in search of Picard, and starts eying up Riker, much to Troi's alarm. When Riker says he's going to give Picard a message, Lwaxana announces she's going to marry Riker. Quick, man, tell her you're gay! Data suddenly gets excited when he realises Riker's going to visit the holodeck. Because apparently he wants to get dressed up as a gangster. I guess Dixon Hill is the only holoprogram Picard runs then? Riker breaks the news to Picard that Lwaxana's going to marry his first officer.
Lwaxana finally works out how to use the computer to locate Picard, and invades the Dixon Hill simulation where she starts coming on to the bartender. Riker asks Picard if they should tell her he's a hologram.
Picard: "Are you coming, Mrs Troi?"
Lwaxana: "Not just yet."
I think that's actually a single entendre.
Lwaxana's miffed that they didn't tell her earlier that he was a hologram, but still she lets everyone know the two aliens are actually assassins who aim to blow up the conference. Worf takes them into custody. They beam her down, but apparently she has enough time during transpost to tell Picard off for having dirty thoughts again.
That... was very silly.