Alden Bates (abates) wrote,
Alden Bates

DS9: Rules of Acquisition

Rules of Acquisition: DS9 nicked this script from Blackadder.

With that title, it has to be a dreaded Ferengi episode. Sure enough, a bunch of them are playing a poker-esque card game involving throwing gold-pressed latinum in a pot. They're being beaten by Dax and complain about being beaten by a female who isn't Ferengi and/or naked. Quark appears to have hired another Ferengi named Pel as a waiter, who has some magic beans. Also, the Grand Nagus rings Quark to announce that the Ferengi expansion into the Gamma Quadrant is about to start.

Well, that's about as much Ferengi as I can take in one week, so... oh, wait, that was just the pre-credits teaser.

Sisko talks to the Nagus about how they're going to have a conference with a Gamma quadrant race on the station. Kira makes gross racial slurs and threatens to kick the Nagus off the ship, until he bribes her with fertiliser. The deal with the Dosi is apparently for tulaberry wine. Later on, Pel suggests that the reason the Nagus has put Quark in charge of the negotiations is so he can take the blame if anything goes wrong, and Quark promptly makes Pel his assistant. Pel, as it turns out, is secretly a female Ferengi, AND SHE'S WEARING CLOTHING! Gasp! Scandelous.

Two Dosi turn up and negotiations being. They're not very friendly. Meanwhile, the Nagus starts sending gifts to Kira, and Dax says she finds Ferengi quite fun for greedy misogynistic little trolls. There's another game of Ferengi poker, and the next day, Dax talks to Pel about his loyalty to Quark, and Pel admits to being a female and in love with Quark.

Kira thanks the Nagus for the fertiliser, but strangely turns down his offer of a night of passionate sex. Quark and his cross-dressing companion talk the Nagus into lending them his ship so they can secure 100,000 vats of wine. Rom, meanwhile, is annoyed that Quark isn't paying as much attention to him any more, and finds Pel's fake-ear kit. After several minutes thought, he draws the conclusion that Pel has freakishly small earsis a female.

On the Dosi homeworld, Quark and Pel discover the Dosi are very aggressive negotiators. Quark is unable to talk the original Dosi into dealing for 100,000 vats of wine, so he and Pel get some very snug sleeping quarters. One of the Dosi interrupt Pel climbing on top of Quark. The Dosi says she can get them in touch with someone in the Dominion (first mention!) who can provide them with what they want.

Quark is very excited. Pel attempts to talk to him about the bit earlier when they snogged, but Quark has profit in his eyes, and they nip back to DS9 to talk to the Nagus about it. Rom takes the opportunity to tell Quark that Pel's female, and Quark promptly faints.

Quark swears Rom to secrecy, thought Rom says Pel should be severely punished for wearing clothes. Rom is only convinced when Quark promises him the bar. Quark confronts Pel in her quarters, and offers her 10 bars of gold-presses latinum to leave the station. Pel realises their love can never be and starts packing.

Later on, Pel turns up at the dinner and reveals she's a female to the Nagus. Quark stands up for her when the Nagus announces that she'll be stuck in a cell, and talks the Nagus into letting her go. But, it costs Quark the profits from the Gamma quadrant deal. Quark and Pel have one last snog.

I can never work out with these Ferengi-focussed episodes whether they're supposed to be comedies or what...
Tags: deep space 9

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