Oh crap, it's a Ferengi episode.
Aaaand, we start off with Quark getting his ears masturbated. The woman is somewhat bemused that he's more interested in getting his ears stroked than completing the deal to buy his stembolts. At this point, Rom rushes in and announces they need to get out of there, but too late, as Grand Nagus Zek appears. Rom observes that it appears as though the Nagus is moving in with him.
*stabs eyes out with spork*
Meanwhile, the sane members of the crew are having a celebration for Bashir's nomination for a major medical award. Bashir rushes out to finish some work. Dax corners him in a turbolift and says he should be acting happier - he doesn't think he'll win because he's way too young.
Quark finds Rom's quarters in a shambles (He's staying there because the Nagus has taken over his own quarters) and complains to Rom, who said it's Nog's job, but Nog's away from the station. Then he realises someone's been getting into his private stock of alcohol. There's a fight, and Quark goes to tell the Nagus to GTFO of his quarters. Or at least to send Rom in to tell the Nagus to GTFO. The Nagus announces that he's revised the rules of aquisition. Quark becomes excited, thinking that they'll be able to get rich. Unfortunately the first rule is "If they want their money back, give it to them." SHOCK!
Can we get back to the B plot now, PLEEEEEEASE?
Rom reads from the revised book, with Quark making alarmed noises. Rule 285 is "A good deed is its own reward." Quark feels faint, but decides it's some kind of test and they attempt to find some sort of code in the book. Including Quark licking the side of the book. Later on, the Nagus sweeps into Quark's bar and buys everyone drinks on him. Also he's explained to Quark's business partner where she can get stembolts at wholesale prices. He tells Rom that eventually Quark will sell the stembolts at a fair price.
Bashir and O'Brien play darts. And discuss the award. and put each other off their game. NO TIME FOR THAT! BACK TO THE A PLOT!
The Nagus is setting up headquarters for the "Ferengi Benevolent Association". Rom is the senior administrator. Quark disagrees that greed is dead, even though Rom reveals Quark's been made co-chairman of the association. Quark points out that if they go along with the Nagus, they'll probably be included with him when he's thrown off the Ferengi tower of commerce. They get Bashir to check the Nagus out medically, but Bashir finds nothing wrong. Also, the Nagus says he's presenting a gift to the Bajoran people.
Quark and Rom set about breaking into the Nagus' shuttle, but they're interrupted by the Nagus' assistant, Maihar'du, who lets them in and shows them the gift for the Bajorans - one of the missing orbs of the prophets. So... the Nagus has had a religious experience?
The box opens as they're struggling, and Quark finds himself hallucinating about the Nagus taunting him. He realises that it was the Prophets who gave the Nagus the idea to revise the rules of acquisition, and believes that he went to consult the Prophets on the future.
Odo tells Bashir that he's heard news about the award, that Dr Wade, the most popular nominee, isn't going to win it. Bashir says he still doesn't believe he's going to win, and Odo asks why he's working on his acceptance speech then.
Quark, Rom, and Maihar'du kidnap the Nagus in a sack, and Quark takes him into the wormhole. The Nagus is remarkably mellow. Quark opens the box, and finds himself talking to the aliens in the wormhole. The aliens said when Nagus Zek came to them, they found his attitude threatening, and "devolved" him to an earlier time when Ferengi weren't obsessed with profits. Quark demands they restore the Nagus, and they consider doing the same to him, but he tells them if they change him, they're likely to get more Ferengi visitors.
Quark finds himself back on the shuttle, with the Nagus back to his greedy money-grubbing self.
Bashir doesn't win the award. Ah well!
The Nagus leaves the station, leaving instructions that all the copies of the revised rules should be destroyed. Rom reveals to Quark that he embezzled quite a lot of money from the Ferengi Benevolence Fund, and Quark is quite proud of him.