See if you can connect my ramblings to actual on-screen events!
Opening narration! And there's the Cribbins, still being awesome! A choir and church? Are you sure you're not overdoing things, Rusty?
OK, according to the stained glass window, the TARDIS is approximately the size of a Smurf.
Why does the Doctor even think an Ood would know what a 20th century automobile would be, or what a car alarm would sound like? Also, it's one beep when you arm a car alarm, not two. SOMEONE'S JOKES DON'T MAKE SENSE.
Hey, look, the Master got a Return of the Jedi funeral pyre!
"Events that have happened are happening now." I think I remember that line from LEXX
Oh crap, Lucy Saxon's been seized by the John Simm Estrogen Brigade. Well, obviously they would clone the Master from a bit of lipstick. Pft, why not? Whups, he didn't foresee Lucy Saxon had a bottle of perfume, I see.
And the Cribbins has mobilised OAPs to look for the Doctor. Bless!
Where did the Master get blond hair dye anyway? ... did he just drop out of the sky? Oh come on, what's that effect supposed to be? Spontaneous Dalek zapping? Ah, so it appears he did just drop out of the sky.
And now, random shots of David Tennant and John Simm running around. And now, David Tennant being molested. And then the Doctor tries to work out why Wilf is important. "Some new man goes sauntering away" Yes, stop nudging the fourth wall.
Awww, Donna's got a new man!
OH SNAP THE NARRATOR IS JAMES BOND!
So, anyway, the Master can now shoot lightning from his hands, because he is now a Sith Lord. And he and the Doctor used to run across fields together on Gallifrey. "That's human Christmas out there!" As opposed to... Time Lord Christmas? Dalek Christmas?! That really doesn't need disambiguation.
And just when you least expect it, the Master is kidnapped by marines.
"Oooh, love from Donna. Did you keep the receipt?" Haha!
Oh, it's the possibly evil people with the portal thingee who've kidnapped the Master. And Cribbins is talking to a woman in the TV set. Lemme guess, Wilf is a Time Lord. Am I close? Ahh, he's got
"Are you shouting at thin air?" "Yes. Possibly. Yes." Hehehehe!
"I thought it'd be cleaner." "Cleaner?! I can take you back home, right now." Oh, he has to stay relative to the Master within the causal nexus. THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!
Oh, and some of the people with the portal are asparagus people. Right, noted, carry on!
Also note: This is not acting, this is how John Simm actually eats.
Oh, the portal thingee is an immortality machine. Or as Rassilon would say an Immmmmmmmmmmortality gate. If it ends up turning people to stone, someone's going to want their money back.
"Oh my lord, she's a cactus!" A Zolpha Thuran? "Skeletor! Whatever you're calling him!" The Doctor's into He-Man?!
It mends whole planets... uh oh... and everyone in the world is John Simm. That's just disturbing.
And then: Time Lords!
So all together? Low on plot, high on spectacle - or in other words, a Russell T Davis finale (or part one of same, at any rate)
Predictions for next time: Even less plot and a deus ex machina ending. I'm going to guess that the Doctor will give his life to restore the human race by standing in the immmmmmmmmmmmortality gate and piping a bit of his regeneration power into it, thus the tenth Doctor will have literally died to forgive our sins.